If garvin disappears from the board, Â don\'t panic

If garvin disappears from the board, Â don\'t panic - Printable Version

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Re: If garvin disappears from the board, don\'t pa - terry - 03-29-2011

For some reason, this thread reminds me of Bill Simmons\' column about the "Diane Lane All-Stars" last year on ESPN.com . . .

Quote:Q: Heather Graham turned 40 today; not only does this make her eligible for your Diane Lane All-Stars, but I believe it may put her in the 3-4-5 hole of the lineup. If you filled out the 2010 batting order, what would it look like?

A: You know, it\'s been a few years since we created the Diane Lane All-Stars. Thanks to botox, lasers, and all the other products and cosmetic treatments, so many older women look fantastic now that it\'s like trying to figure out which potential Hall of Fame receivers or sluggers from the \'90s and \'00s should be Hall of Famers. Everyone\'s stats are inflated. Should we bump the age minimum to 45 (or at least 43)? Probably. But under old-school rules, my batting order looks like this:

1. Jennifer Aniston (40) -- I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You\'d fear her on the basepaths.

2. Sandra Bullock (46) -- Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.

3. Heather Graham (40) -- Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It\'s almost unfair to the others that she\'s eligible. It\'s like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.

4. Halle Berry (43) -- Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.

5. Salma Hayek (43) -- Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure home runs.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She\'s our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who\'s four or five years older than listed.

7. Kelly Preston (47) -- Don\'t worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She\'s still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.

8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.

9. Cheryl Hines (44) -- Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn\'t go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.

Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) -- Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She\'s like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.

Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) -- Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.

Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) -- Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.

Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can\'t match? OK, maybe I\'m alone on this. (Waiting.) Nothing? Let\'s move on.

Re: If garvin disappears from the board, don\'t pa - terry - 03-29-2011

For some reason, this thread reminds me of Bill Simmons\' column about the "Diane Lane All-Stars" last year on ESPN.com . . .

Quote:Q: Heather Graham turned 40 today; not only does this make her eligible for your Diane Lane All-Stars, but I believe it may put her in the 3-4-5 hole of the lineup. If you filled out the 2010 batting order, what would it look like?

A: You know, it\'s been a few years since we created the Diane Lane All-Stars. Thanks to botox, lasers, and all the other products and cosmetic treatments, so many older women look fantastic now that it\'s like trying to figure out which potential Hall of Fame receivers or sluggers from the \'90s and \'00s should be Hall of Famers. Everyone\'s stats are inflated. Should we bump the age minimum to 45 (or at least 43)? Probably. But under old-school rules, my batting order looks like this:

1. Jennifer Aniston (40) -- I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You\'d fear her on the basepaths.

2. Sandra Bullock (46) -- Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.

3. Heather Graham (40) -- Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It\'s almost unfair to the others that she\'s eligible. It\'s like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.

4. Halle Berry (43) -- Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.

5. Salma Hayek (43) -- Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure home runs.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She\'s our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who\'s four or five years older than listed.

7. Kelly Preston (47) -- Don\'t worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She\'s still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.

8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.

9. Cheryl Hines (44) -- Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn\'t go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.

Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) -- Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She\'s like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.

Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) -- Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.

Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) -- Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.

Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can\'t match? OK, maybe I\'m alone on this. (Waiting.) Nothing? Let\'s move on.

Re: If garvin disappears from the board, don\'t pa - slide - 03-31-2011

very good Garvin. Â another 18 months or so and it will be 30 years since they pulled the plug on Quincy. Â did Dana ever appear on Quincy? Â it would have been early in her career....

While Dana works out FINALLY losing ... - Redrum - 04-01-2011

...her "freshman 15", a pic of Uma that wasn\'t posted by the b**chy pack of Mean Girls at garvin\'s jr. high school.

[Image: 1782747973_3014949569.jpg]

Re: If garvin disappears from the board, don\'t pa - Nan3cy - 04-01-2011

Rather than Quincy (whom I remember as not only irascible but also nothing much to look at), I\'m wondering if Dana\'s character in the new show is based on Kay Scarpetta from the Patricia Cornwell books.

Apropos of nothing... - Mick - 04-01-2011

Quote:6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She\'s our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who\'s four or five years older than listed.

8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.

...years ago, when my wife was teaching, she pointed out that one of her associates was a 45 year old teacher married to a 65 year old teacher...and they both looked roughly the same age, early 50s.

Since then we\'ve noted that in most/many/all May/December romances the Mays look a lot closer to July and the Decembers often look close to September-ish.

Except Michael Douglas. Â He still looks middle-of-next-year, sickeningly bad. Â Forever removed CZJ as an woman-of-desire for me.

Apropos of nothing... - Mick - 04-01-2011

Quote:6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She\'s our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who\'s four or five years older than listed.

8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.

Re: If garvin disappears from the board, don\'t pa - teejers1 - 04-01-2011

Mick wrote: Â "Except Michael Douglas. Â He still looks middle-of-next-year, sickeningly bad. Â Forever removed CZJ as an woman-of-desire for me."

Wait, Mick, and Sandra Bullock marrying that tattooed trailer park guy (Jesse James) Â doesn\'t have the same effect on you? Â What\'s up with that?

I give both of \'em a pass for similar reasons: Â Douglas was a sexaholic and James was in adult flicks, wasn\'t he? Â What they may lack in public they probably more than make up for in private.

P.S. Â There are some pretty spectacular Hollywood flameouts, Sheen and Gibson being prime recent examples. Â But I expect James to top the list. Â Hell, going from Bullock to Kat von D (or whatever her name is) practically locks it up right there.

Re: If garvin disappears from the board, don\'t pa - FarmDad.01 - 04-02-2011

Jesse James is not known to have appeared in XXX flix. But his wife prior to Bullock - Janine Lindemuller - was a porn star of the highest magnitude. Apparently, James sampled a walk on the mild side and found it lacking.

Nope... - Mick - 04-03-2011

Quote:Mick wrote: "Except Michael Douglas. He still looks middle-of-next-year, sickeningly bad. Forever removed CZJ as an woman-of-desire for me."

Wait, Mick, and Sandra Bullock marrying that tattooed trailer park guy (Jesse James) doesn\'t have the same effect on you? What\'s up with that?

I give both of \'em a pass for similar reasons: Douglas was a sexaholic and James was in adult flicks, wasn\'t he? What they may lack in public they probably more than make up for in private.

P.S. There are some pretty spectacular Hollywood flameouts, Sheen and Gibson being prime recent examples. But I expect James to top the list. Hell, going from Bullock to Kat von D (or whatever her name is) practically locks it up right there.

CZJ clearly adores Douglas. Â Bullock came to her senses, however the issue was forced.

I don\'t really count James as a Hollywood flameout...he wasn\'t a Hollywood guy to begin with and his marriage to SB made him tangent to Hollywood, sort of in name only. Â Personally, I think he flew too close to the sun with SB and internally is relieved that he is back to his normal scuzzbucket self.

Nope... - Mick - 04-03-2011

Quote:Mick wrote: "Except Michael Douglas. He still looks middle-of-next-year, sickeningly bad. Forever removed CZJ as an woman-of-desire for me."

Wait, Mick, and Sandra Bullock marrying that tattooed trailer park guy (Jesse James) doesn\'t have the same effect on you? What\'s up with that?

I give both of \'em a pass for similar reasons: Douglas was a sexaholic and James was in adult flicks, wasn\'t he? What they may lack in public they probably more than make up for in private.

P.S. There are some pretty spectacular Hollywood flameouts, Sheen and Gibson being prime recent examples. But I expect James to top the list. Hell, going from Bullock to Kat von D (or whatever her name is) practically locks it up right there.

Wow. Mick. Just didn\'t peg you as a gossip addict - Redrum - 04-03-2011

But the strength of your opinions...actually, just the fact that you HAVE opinions-- detailed opinions-- on Jesse James/Sandra Bullock has really changed my view of you. What do your co-workers think when you close your office door for your mid-afternoon TMZ gossip fix? Â Do you nod out afterwards or is it a real jittery high?

Re: Wow. Mick. Just didn\'t peg you as a gossip add - Mick - 04-03-2011

Quote:But the strength of your opinions...actually, just the fact that you HAVE opinions-- detailed opinions-- on Jesse James/Sandra Bullock has really changed my view of you. What do your co-workers think when you close your office door for your mid-afternoon TMZ gossip fix? Do you nod out afterwards or is it a real jittery high?

Those of us who are married to live human females and have staffs including 1/2 dozen young people under age 30 but never watch TMZ or any of that crap know precisely how I receive Jesse James/Sandra Bullock information...

Re: Wow. Mick. Just didn\'t peg you as a gossip add - Mick - 04-03-2011

Quote:But the strength of your opinions...actually, just the fact that you HAVE opinions-- detailed opinions-- on Jesse James/Sandra Bullock has really changed my view of you. What do your co-workers think when you close your office door for your mid-afternoon TMZ gossip fix? Do you nod out afterwards or is it a real jittery high?